No one really teaches you what to do in the bathroom. I mean sure, you get potty-trained when you’re 4 years old, but after that, it’s a solo journey across the toilet-sea of your life.
What that means is that, as adults, we find ourselves entrenched in certain bathroom habits without even realizing it.
For example, it has recently come to my attention that there are some people in this world — people you may know — who are (*shudders*) “Standing Wipers.” What this means, ladies and gentlemen, is that these people stand when they wipe their butts after pooping.
Now, we can all agree that this is insanity itself. After all, standing makes the cheeks squish together and turns a relatively anus-quarantined poop zone into a unpredictable generalized crack mess.
The thing is, what we do in the bathroom is basically the one thing in life we don’t crowd source. Seriously. There is no free exchange of ideas regarding how you wipe your butt. Nobody is seeing that displayed in movies or discussed on podcasts.
That’s where I come in.
I’ve set up a series of polls so you can see where you stand on some of the most important and contentious butt cleaning issues out there.
Don’t worry, I didn’t include the “standing wipe.” That barbarism needs no more press.
Let the great deBUTTing begin!
All original artwork by Alec MacDonald